B'sketti

I have been doing good the past few days. My stomach doesn't show it (still protruding) and the scale doesn't show it (still 138.2) but I KNOW if I keep at it, it will all come together. It usually does, if I can stay persistent.

I just recently got addicted to the edconfessions tumblr, thanks to emily. It is totally triggering and every time I feel hunger or anything I read a few confessions and it just gives me all sorts of resolve, and it feels good to know you're not the only one with a fucked up relationship with food/your body, since most people hide it so deep.

I also just chewed/spitted a bowl of spaghetti and a piece of garlic breadstick. I don't know why, but I always seem to forget that chewing and spitting is even an option. Its usually chew-swallow-feel bad. I think its because its not exactly glamorous (which may also be why I can't purge) and because if I SEE the chewed food I will be thoroughly grossed out. So I had to devise a system where I couldn't see it. This involves a large empty tin can (formerly housing tomato juice) and a plastic bag insert that I can pull out and throw away. It was effective. The feeling of chewed food paste exiting my mouth is a little gross to me too, but I got over it and will probably be numb to it eventually. Now that I've devised a solid system for not seeing the food, I will probably C&S a lot more when I'm alone. I also sipped a lot of water in between to give myself the feeling of fullness, like I did indeed consume something. There is a small amount of inadvertent swallowing (the bread was terrible - stuck in my teeth!) so I'd give it a liberal 100 calories, even though it was probably only like 25.

Now I am enjoying the last of my black coffee on this day off. Tonight I am going out drinking so that means liquid alcohol sugar calories. Since I don't plan on eating anything else (I'll C&S more if I have to - I've created a monster) I will be EMPTY when I go out. Meaning I'll get drunk way faster, thus a)being a cheaper date, less $$ spent and b)less alcohol consumed after getting drunk on practically nothing so not as many calories. This is dependent on the assumption that I'll know when to stop. I'll have to drive so that will help keep me responsible.

It will be fun. Despite my protruding belly and lackluster weight, I feel empty and good. I will do a salt water flush later this afternoon to hopefully flush some stuff just hanging out in my gut, then take a shower and get clean and fabulous for tonight. My self esteem feels good right now, I think I'll have a good time. And I haven't gotten good and drunk in a while.

Oh by the way, I've found one method of inspiration. I like survival shows (Man v. Wild, Survivorman, Dual Survival) and they're all on Netflix streaming. Watching people get by on very small amounts of food inspires me to keep my daily cals low. If they can do it, why can't I? Its even more awe-inspiring, I think, because I CAN eat all the shit lying around me or stop at some greasy burger joint, but I CHOOSE not to because I want to keep my body clean. Empty=clean.

Aren't I noble?

Or insane?

Who cares, I'm enjoying it.


Off to go paint my nails, peace out!

[[EDIT]] Just drank my salt water *shudder*. I hate that shit so I'm always looking for ways to make it go down easier cause its so darn effective. This time, I had poured myself a V8 chaser. I put cayenne pepper in it to make it spicy cause it boosts the metabolism and I LOVE spicy stuff, and I would take five large gulps of SW and a sip of V8. Because its a salty juice the SW taste didn't clash with it as, say, apple juice might. And the cayenne numbed my tastebuds a little. I was able to get it down quicker than I've ever gotten it down before. I can already feel it working. I think I've found my new favorite method of choking down saltwater. Just thought i'd mention it in case anyone else would want to try that. Later!