Just pretend I came up with a creative title today.

Any of you with Netflix streaming: Watch the documentary called "Forks Over Knives". It was made in 2011 so its pretty recent. It is EXCELLENT. It provides many compelling reasons why a plant-based whole-foods diet is extremely good for your health and can help reverse some of the artery-clogging damage you've already done to yourself. It really opened my eyes and made me SERIOUSLY consider trying vegetarianism for a while. (Most times I've thought of it I've talked myself out of it in about 15 seconds.) Personally, its a more compelling reason than animal rights. While I am very concerned of the welfare of animals, my bleeding heart has to be choosy of its causes and dead chickens are low on my radar when so many humans suffer daily. But taking care of myself while I'm still young is reason enough. Meat and dairy are just so bad for you (though admittedly delicious) and the documentary provided much proof of just HOW detrimental they are to your health. I highly suggest it, folks.

The last week was one of those horribly bingey types, where I ate out way too many times and couldn't be bothered to count, or even consider, how many calories were in the (disgusting) food I ate. I guess every once in a while I just need a loss of control week, where I gain 3 lbs, panic and punish myself, and starve like crazy the next week. The last two days had major arguments with Josh, and conflict with him is one of my greatest motivators. I feel like I'm passive aggressively punishing him somehow (don't ask how it works - maybe I feel superior because he's fat and hates it but is unwilling to change his lifestyle, whereas I conquered 30 lbs so far and am able to say NO to food). I started well on Friday; I turned down free cupcakes. Free stuff is one of my largest motivators. I have a hard time turning down free anything cause, hell, I didn't pay for it. Well I'd be paying for that cupcake in more ways than one, so I said no and drank some green tea.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. NOTHING.

Yesterday I went to the Farmer's Market for the first time this whole summer and loaded up on some fresh foods. Sweet corn, peas, onions, beets, beans, and a few other veggies. The documentary had something to do with that. All of a sudden I've felt the need for veggies. I made dinner last night, sweet potatoes with cinnamon and allspice (tasted like pumpkin pie guts - SO yummy!), fresh sugar peas, and a beef roast in the crock pot with onions and carrots. I made sure that the chunk of beef roast was the smallest thing on my plate - way more potatoes and peas. Plus 2 glasses of merlot. It was a very simple meal (no added oils, sugars, etc.) yet it tasted very rich. The food itself had a lot of flavor - I've just been used to drowning food in additives when all you really need is spices and the RIGHT kinds of foods have their own flavor. A recipe for sweet potatoes I found (since I didn't know how to cook them - duh - same as regular potatoes!) called for a lot of butter and brown sugar. Why add sugar to SWEET potatoes?? They were sweet enough on their own! All I added was a splash of skim milk.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm just really excited to try to eat better.

I met up with my ex-fiance yesterday. He's the one I broke up with to date Josh. We are still on pretty good terms and hang out every once in a great while, usually over lunch. I haven't seen him for a whole year. We met at a restaurant and had lunch. We were at the restaurant for FIVE hours, just talking. I couldn't believe it, I've never been at a restaurant that long. Any longer and we would have been ready to have dinner too. It was nice. Its a weird dynamic; being so casual and "catching up" with someone you used to see ALL the time. And what makes it weirder for me is he hasn't dated anybody since, to my knowledge. He's reserved and shy around girls. We only started dating in high school because I asked HIM to the high school dance, after dropping very heavy hints that I wanted him to ask me and he didn't so I did it. I think he is still in love with me and has never gotten over it. Since then he's graduated college and become somewhat of a heavy drinker. Through everything, he's been sweet to me. Even when I dumped him over text cause I was too chicken to do it in person and started dating someone else shortly after.

I don't think I've ever really gotten over it either. I've just kept myself distracted the last four years.

I kissed him on the cheek when I gave him a hug goodbye, like I always do. Five hours later (after I knew he had already started drinking) he sent me a text saying "Thanks for the kiss, it always makes me feel loved :)". I felt sad. Am I STILL the only person, besides his parents, that makes him feel loved? It wouldn't even hurt me if he got another girlfriend. I'd be happy for him. I was his first....and only.

Josh and I have gotten into some ridiculous arguments the last two days. Well, he's picked fights with me and I've had to defend myself (because he's a big blame-machine which puts me on the defensive). Me being defensive to him is me not admitting fault, which MUST mean I think I'm perfect, which means he has to knock me down off the pedestal that HE (not I) thinks I'm on. Hint: When you say I ALWAYS or NEVER do something, I'm automatically going to think back to a time when I didn't ALWAYS or NEVER do that. Anybody would.

I just don't even care anymore. One of his greatest threats - I'm leaving, I'm done with this - is not longer effective on me, whether or not he knows that. If we're together, fine. If we're not, fine. I don't feel I have anything to lose. Despite how happy I am on our good days, I know I could be just as happy alone in the absence of bad days. The worst part is, he is so protective of his ego, despite how much he hates the self, that he doesn't listen to me and then claims I don't listen to HIM. He projects a lot of things on me that he does himself.

I'm sick of thinking about him. I'm sick of filtering every thought, every idea, every sentence through my head wondering how it could be misconstrued. I'm sick of double standards, of his anger addiction (reacting to every type of negative emotion - sadness, fear, pain, etc. with anger), of his projections, and everything else. I guess I can at the very least feel grateful that I have come to realizations lately and have been able to see through some of this stuff that previously just used to confuse the hell out of me because conversations would so quickly turn and change and I was just always told that everything was about me not listening or understanding. I get it now, or at least a little more than I used to. That still doesn't make it much easier. I want a pair of steel balls that give me the spine to stand up for myself, know when to walk out on a conversation and say "fuck this", know when he's feeding me BS, and be able to be honest - no matter what. If I'm honest and he doesn't like it, well then thats his problem.

Well, I want to try and be slightly productive before my weekend's almost completely over (he ruined about 4 hours of yesterday text-fighting with me. You're at work. I get four days a month away from you. Don't ruin it for me. Although I do like text fighting better. Its passive, and I have a record of what was said in case it was really ridiculous. And sometimes even if he's hurt my feelings, I can't remember what he said to me verbally.)

Be thankful for your life and health today; 10 years ago 3000 people lost their lives and countless others have lost theirs since then in the war. Its been a hell of a 10 years.

Cheers