Take a sad song, and make it better.

I got out of work early at 6:15pm for having a 4 hour class early this morning. It is 8:30 and I haven't gone home yet.

I don't want to go home. I don't feel comfortable there. In fact, I'd have rather stayed at work and pulled a 12 hr shift. But the factory management is being stingy with overtime and made me go home after 8 hours.

I've been getting the silent treatment the past few days. I'm holding my head high and not letting him know he's driving me crazy. Because then he'd win. I am showing him the aloof, "do-whatever-you-want, you shithead" attitude. I have spent my day incredibly angry.

Yesterday I sent him a Wikihow page called "How to Make Up With Your Partner After a Fight". I just wanted him to read it and I told him we could use some of the tips to help fix how we relate to one another. No dice, all I got was bullshit in return. This whole thing pisses me off so bad that I feel no love for him right now, and I feel terrible for saying it but its true. I think the only think keeping me here is the fear of moving/splitting "our" shit, and overall shaking up my life a lot. I don't like to make waves, and right now my life feels like Ms. Hurricane Irene is blowing through it. I don't handle stress and drama well and right now I have plenty of both. Throw in a healthy dose of emotional abuse and total confusion and you may get a taste of my state of mind right now. I'm a fucking wreck and some people are starting to look at me funny.

So in lieu of going home, I went to my local gas station and got a chicken sandwich and some cheese stuffed breadsticks (with marinara) and the fact that I bought it so autonomously really unnerves me. My mind was just swimming with thoughts of "I just don't fucking care!" Oh, and did I mention I got a dark chocolate orange for some "chocolate therapy"? My stomach rolls are my own fucking fault. Plus, I went to a chinese buffet (buf-fucking-fet!) Before work around noon. I already fucked the day up, why not throw cheese and chocolate and marinara on top?

I took 5 laxatives immediately after, despite what I wrote yesterday. Either way, you'll shit eventually. Well, I didn't have anything to take them with so I took them with "spit". Not a good idea, they are dry as fuck and got stuck in my throat, so I had to get a bottle of soda from the soda machine to wash them down. Do they have any diet options? No. So now I can top all that off with 300 calories of Dr. Pepper.

Askdjwirghvjshdhkg FUCKING BIG FAT FAIL!!!

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
WHERE IS MY CONTROL?????

I am sitting at one of my favorite musing spots, a very large park in the not-so-big city. Its dark already. I kinda wanna get out and walk around in the dark for a thrill. It would freak me out (the dark) and at least would be a different feeling than rageful firey burny anger that I've felt all day. Plus, wouldn't Josh feel like a dick for ever ignoring me if I got raped and murdered out here? (If the rapist murderer would get the job done quick, I wouldn't mind. Young hurting woman killed by the hands of a man her "lover" couldn't protect her from.)

Sorry, I'm probably not making sense.

I'm listening to the Beatles. They always bring me back to happy days in my life. I really miss my parents all of a sudden.

Now I'm listening to crickets and quiet. Its soothing. I wish I could sleep out here in my car. I'd get kicked out eventually.

I really want to go home and smoke a huge bowl. Except for the going home part that sounds like a fabulous idea.

Speaking of not telling him of unexpected time off, I was give Friday off too, and I haven't told him cause I'm going to enjoy the day ALONE that day. I also didn't tell him that come October, I'll be making an extra $1.30 an hour. He made me feel guilty about my last raise, so fuck him.

Girlfriend's bitter over here, can you tell?

Oh Peri, I got some sock yarn on sale today. I may just start some kickass socks soon. No one will be able to fuck with me if I'm wearing kickass homemade socks. No sirree.

Ugh. I've already pissed away 3 hours. If I'm lucky, he'll still be silent...

I wish you all the peace in the world, 'cause I sure as fuck ain't got any.