Life Sucks

The lack of a working private computer is really hindering my updating.

But I’ve been compelled to do it. I still lurk around and read from time to time (commenting doesn’t work on my stupid phone, however). I’ve been so out-of-sorts lately that I feel incredibly alone and depressed. Which usually gives me good resolve to stop eating a lot.

I’ve been having a hard time lately. After my last post, I started thinking a lot about my relationship and how I feel about it. I know something’s not right, but I wasn’t sure what. I think I may be abused….sometimes. I know the physical altercations are unquestionably abusive but when they’re diminished (i.e. “I’m not abusive!” or “I’m sorry, I was just really angry”) I feel like its my fault or that I’m blowing it out of proportion in my head. The insidious verbal stuff is much more difficult to understand. I KNOW namecalling and yelling are inappropriate, but there’s more to it than that. I’ve found a website that has loads of helpful information on such a confusing subject (www.drirene.com) and I’ve bought a book that I’m reading in my free “me” time called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans, which has also been enlightening. The thing is, it’s not ALL the time. So during the “good” times, such as now, when we’re lovey and nice, its really hard to remember that he’s the same person who’s hurt me and that it felt bad, and NOT to hope that things are OK now. I know someday soon I’ll piss him off or “not” do something, and it will all blow up and I’ll feel the love disappear, again, like I have so many other times when I’ve let myself buy into the false hope.

So I’ve been really depressed lately. About the past, about my uncertain future, about my desire for some sort of change but my inability/fear to initiate it. The best thing I’ve done so far is shared with a few close friends what I suspect about my situation, which was received with much support for me. I still feel immense loneliness, but I have support from people no matter what I decide to do. I just feel so shitty lately. And work is so slow and boring right now that I have nothing to do but sit around and obsess about it for 8 hours, making me feel shittier and hate work.

So that’s me mentally in a nutshell, I’m a depressed basketcase lately, it seems. Cutting has gotten worse. I cut like 2x a day. I’m not sleeping well. I’m tired all the time, bored, distracted, focused, obsessive, at all times. I get frequent headaches and mystery pains here and there. I feel sadness and loneliness. I want to wither away. I want to fix me. I want to fix him. I’ve been thinking about suicide again.

I’ve gotten some starving resolve out of all of this, but it hasn’t been good enough. I’m counting calories which helps quite a bit (as its harder for me to forget/ignore intake that way) but I’m still eating too much. I’ve also recently started the Depo shot because I’m absolutely terrible at taking pills consistently, so that has left me paranoid about weight gain as well. I’m worried I’ll gain weight despite all my best efforts NOT to, so that has left me anxious. I took a 15 mile bike ride on Saturday and I’m hoping with some more (and consistent) exercise I’ll be okay. I think the depo shot is really fucking with me a lot too, which isn't helping because I am depressed to begin with and its NOT helping, at a bad time.

Work is starting a “Biggest Loser” type of competition. Maybe I should join. Having more motivation may get me to stick with weight loss.

I can’t even think of anything else. My brain constantly feels like tired mush. I am exhausting myself obsessing about everything. I want to be thin. I want to go to sleep for a very long time.

I'm sorry for griping. I really just need to focus on weight loss. It will give me something to control. It will distract me.

~ Emily