I'm Not Dead

So I have been what you might call “a hoser” and strangely absent from the Blogosphere. In reality, I guess it was a lack of motivation. I’ve reached that point where I’ve lost a lot of my fluff (this is arguable as my sick mind would say I’m not done yet but my body says I’m good enough) and it’s a LOT harder to lose weight and keep it that way. One could argue that I’m at my body’s “natural weight” that has been pre-programmed into my DNA and fighting it is like fighting nature, and nature is supposed to always win. So we could say that I’ve gotten a bit lazy in my efforts. It seems like no matter what, I bounce back to 140. And since I’ve gotten a lot of positive reinforcement for my efforts that got me to 140, I lack the motivation to go any further, EVEN THOUGH it would make ME happier and ultimately give me more positive reinforcement.

One of the reasons I’ve been so flaky with this is because my laptop has continually gotten worse and worse. Its 5+ years old and is bogged down with all sorts of shit. It must run in my family to be rough on computers; I guess I didn’t take the best care of it. Plus my hardware is out of date, I don’t have sufficient memory space, not enough RAM, etc. So I’m about due for a new laptop that I can’t afford ATM so I’m stuck finding other ways to stay in the loop. I tried with my cell phone but that bitch is so slow I get bored before I get caught up. There is also Josh’s desktop but when I’m on there and he’s around he’s usually hanging over my shoulder and I can’t risk that shit. When he’s NOT around I could, but I’m usually doing other stuff too. I just like having my own little computer. I’ll make more efforts though ‘cause blogging really keeps me in line and helps me stay motivated, even if I’m not reading other’s much but just writing my own.

I am writing this at work (in Microsoft Word, to be emailed to myself and copied/pasted into Blogger later) so I don’t know when my last post was, but I suspect it to be sometime in March. I wish I could report 3 months worth of positive progress but like I explained in my previous paragraph, there is none. Its pathetic when you think about all the binging and worthless eating you’ve done when there was so much time for progress. Its downright unnerving, and it makes me angry. I need the resolve to break 135 and stay low. It takes effort, and I’m only getting out of it what I’m putting into it [read: nothing].

I guess I can report that a few things have happened. For one, I went to a friend’s wedding two weekends ago, and I knew it would be one of those types of things that ends up being like a high school reunion. I’ve been in a slight depression lately so I wasn’t super excited about going (normally I would be) but I knew it would mean something if I showed. Maybe I wasn’t excited about bringing Josh because we seem to get in a fight after every time we go to a public event together. That was part of it, and its like I’m psychic or something ‘cause it happened.

So I’m getting ready for the wedding and we’re within 10-15 minutes of leaving. He comes in the bathroom, pissy that I didn’t go over to him and tell him when it was a good time to start getting ready. He looked pretty ready to me, he was dressed and whatnot. Then out of nowhere he takes his arm and sweeps everything off the bathroom counter, sending it all over the floor. I look at him shocked but in my head I was thinking “Great. NOW what’s your problem?” He then showed me a note that I wrote to myself and had no intention of him reading (I vaguely remember writing it but I don’t remember when.) The gist of the note was “I need to get back in control. I need to come up with reasons why I’ve lost weight when people ask me what my secret is. I need to use more laxies and restrict. Etc….” He had no idea I took laxies or restricted or anything. Even when I tried to hint at it by saying I’ve lost 30 lbs or so, he said he couldn’t even tell and the scale was probably wrong. So he didn’t notice anything different about me and was blissfully unaware of Ana. Apparently he had the note for a while (I wish I knew how long) and was waiting to confront me. So he picked his moment to confront me when I’m already struggling to get excited about something I should be excited to go to, and now made it impossible for me to enjoy my day or try to get him to enjoy it with me. I was embarrassed of being outed, but mainly pissed because he COULD have at LEAST waited until the end of the night or the next morning. I wonder if he passive-aggressively did that on purpose........

So anyway, after I started drinking I was able to loosen up a bit, but it was on my mind all day and in addition to the depression it just didn’t make for a good time. So when he was bugging me to leave at 1:30am after I finally started having fun (and was admittedly a little drunk and belligerent and passive-aggressive right back) I balked and he got all pissed and was about to leave me there and I was about to let him. I eventually went with him and he screamed at me the whole way back and punched my arms so I had a few large visible bruises to explain away the following week. Then I slept on the couch and awoke with him punching me in the head and calling me a name. Bitch, probably.

I won’t go into details about the whole thing got resolved (though eventually these things always do) but once we finally got around to discussing the note, he only seemed pissed about the laxative part. He said I was hurting myself and it was stupid and pointless and yadda yadda. I had to explain to him how taking them made me feel even if he didn’t understand it. So, I’m ambivalent towards it. Obviously the laxatives are the only concerning matter to him, and I was truthful with him about how often I take them...honestly, its not that often. Either way, my approach to Ana needs to be tweaked a little. Restriction may have to be done more in his absence, though with his apparent lack of concern for that I may be able to get away with it. Laxie use will be controlled and highly secretive, since that is where his concern lies. The worst part is, he seemed to insinuate that I should be apologetic. The only thing I’m sorry about is that I got caught. Seriously. If he didn’t notice 30 lbs just drop off of me, then why should he give a shit how it happened? And why should I be sorry? Just cause he found the note doesn’t mean my problems are solved and Ana just goes away. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop just cause he knows about it. It just sucks that it came out that way. Note to self: do not write out notes to self.

Ooh ooh tangent: I got a kitten about a month ago! She is darling! She’s a little brownish-gray tabby named Coconut, and she is a little hellion. I have little kitty scratches all over my hands and legs. I mention it only because it will be a great cover if I can’t resist the urge to cut one day. It will blend right in if I do it right. Kittens=cutter friendly.



I am really bad at taking care of things with no due date. (Ask me about the dentist appointment I’ve been meaning to schedule…for the last 3 years.) I struggle for control and taking an active part in my life every day. Well the other day I made a minor milestone, feels like one anyway. I set my Primary Care Physician in my employer’s insurance. So rather than bouncing from doctor to doctor for the sole purpose of a pap and to get birth control, I picked one doctor (I hope I like her) as my PRIMARY doctor, who will get to know me inside (literally) and out, who I can have an intimate relationship with that will know my specific needs, if I can muster the courage to be honest about what ails me. The ultimate goal of picking a primary physician is to be referred to services I know I need but have never asked for before, things like therapy or counseling. That’s right folks, I may be finally doing something to make myself a better person and figure out what my problems are. In addition to therapy I’d like to stay regular on physicals and checkups to ensure health, get on the Depo shot because I can’t remember to take a goddamned pill the same time every day to save my life, and just try to take care of myself rather than stay at odds with the body that transports me through this earthly life. I’m not ready to give up Ana yet because she has made me healthier than I’ve ever been (if you can believe that), but I think she can learn to coexist with my desire to be overall a healthier individual. I hope she resides in a different part of the brain than the part the therapist is going to try to fix, the deep down resentment and hatred.

We shall see what happens.

I’ve got a cold. In summer. A week before my birthday. (Fuck birthdays…but that’s a different post for a different day.) I don’t even know anyone else that has a cold. I visited my parents for Faja’s Day on Sunday and I was FINE. I woke up Monday…..not fine. UGH. I have been eating Vitamin C drops like crazy and I don’t know if they’re helping or not. I looked up the effects off too much of the ‘C and they’re mild and mainly gastric, like nausea and diarrhea (laxative effect). Considering I’ve gone to the bathroom like 8 times between yesterday and today, I think I can vouch for that. Either way, this shit better be gone or mostly better by Saturday.

Saturday I’m going tubing down a river near here with friends. We almost went last weekend except the GPS took us like 20 minutes too far out to the middle of a cornfield, 10 minutes before they stop selling tickets. We were fucking pissed. This weekend we’ll be more prepared (and more people can go this weekend anyway for my bday) so it should be fun. The only NOT fun part is the being-seen-in-a-suit part. Don’t y’all hate that horrible impending doom feeling of knowing you’re going to be seen in a suit? Anyway, it wasn’t too gruesome last weekend. I just gotta remember to suck-it-in at ALL times, which I’m surprisingly good at doing. All my friends think I have a flat tummy or something….haha. (I wish it was possible to suck in my thighs.)

Until Saturday, starting now, I will be on a liquid fast. Mostly juice for the vitamins. That will flatten out my tummy more. I have more resolve considering I’ve been depressed lately, and now that Josh knows stuff I feel like doing it more to defy him. Is that fucked up?

Well, that seems sufficiently lengthy enough for this particular update. I say it every time but I’ll try to stay in touch better with this blog. If not for me, then for you guys. I think we all keep each other in check.

Peace!