All Alone

I am having a shitty day. Yesterday was fine. I took a 10 mile bike ride and got groceries and put them in my bike trailer so I did a lot of work hauling that around town. I felt busy and accomplished yesterday, and I was hoping to carry the mood thru today.

Not so. I can not get the motivation to do anything. I took about 40 mg of Adderall today because usually that can put me in a constructive mood but it hasn't done SHIT except give me anxiety. So obviously I don't have a motivation problem, I have a desire problem. But everything I think of doing seems futile. I want to be creative (sew, paint, knit) but whats the fucking point. That feels like a waste of time, pursuing what I love. How about cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, organizing...there's always something to be cleaned. No, because it will just get messy again, the level of clutter distresses me, and I don't know what to clean thats worth enough of my time. I could take another bike ride or walk, but I don't feel the desire to, and I'll probably tire very quickly after yesterday's ride. I could clean up the look of my blog (I did - but my overall lack of template knowledge is getting in my way. I want to do SO many things with the layout but I can't.) I could look up thinspo and obsess about my weight (also futile - weight loss is too slow to do anything constructive in one day. Did do a salt water flush, still waiting for that to take effect). I could call the boy and tell him I feel shitty and have anxiety about wasting my day. FUCK THAT, anything I say can and will be used against me. I recall previous times I felt unmotivated and depressed and pissed away a day of my weekend and told him I felt bad, he just used it against me later. The thought of going to work tomorrow depresses me. The fact I'm still in my jammies with no bra at almost-8pm on Sunday night is sad. What the fuck have I done today? I got into a weepy fit and cut myself a zillion times (in my groin region where it is hidden behind, um, hair) when really all I wanna do is dig that blade deep into my arm and pull it the length of my forearm from wrist to elbow.

I feel loneliness, anxiety, and depression beyond belief. Anxiety about lack of direction. Depression about the anxiety and my relationship and wasting my day. Loneliness because the one person I should feel comfortable confiding in about my mental instability or my insecurities, I can't. Despite what he says about his "open door" policy, I've learned better. That ANYTHING can be brought up in an argument as long as it has the ability to hurt me or let him be "one up" on me. No matter how sensitive the matter was to me. Like how he got mad I didn't tell him I'd been using laxatives. Of course I wouldn't, because I don't feel like that knowledge would be safe. And it wouldn't have been, because since he's found out about that, he's used it against me a few times to knock me down. Even if it was as simple as on a day I was feeling good (looking in mirror and musing aloud: "Wow, I actually look skinny today" and he says "Thats cause you SHIT out all your weight".)

I want to cut more. I want to get drunk alone and go to sleep. I want him to leave me alone all night. I'm afraid that if he pushes a button tonight I may just snap, and frankly I wouldn't fucking care because HE deserves to be snapped on sometimes. He gets the liberty of being irrational whenever he fucking wants, without repercussion from me. Well dammit I'm depressed and I feel like yelling at him for no fucking reason CAUSE I NEVER GET TO. I never get to be mad! He just reacts with anger BACK at me, rather than thinking I may have a legitimate reason to be angry. Even if I don't, he'd just take the hint and get twice as angry back at me, rather than trying to rationally calm my nerves. So I've learned to internalize SO much anger because my fear of repercussion is greater than my fear of psychological harm internalized anger could cause. After learning about the instances of verbal abuse I've suffered, I don't care.

I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. NOTHING feels worth investing my time in, therefore I have done NOTHING all day, which is making me feel depressed about my day and wasting it even though I have no desire.

I was going to post some thinspo but...I don't care to.

Nobody reads anymore anyways. I am alone everywhere.



Emily