Its a weird (and welcome) feeling to feel THIN. It usually happens when I'm a. Ovulating, b. Partying a lot, getting attention from guys, or c. Not experiencing belly protrusion due to food in my gut. It seems like whenever I eat a lot, my belly just sticks out SOOOO FAR. Right now, I have a, b, and c going on, and its felt so good that I want to make it go as long as possible. Everything large I eat I will try to get out quickly. Veggies and good food I'll allow to absorb and whatnot. I will keep my belly from sticking out. I will sneak in 12, 18, 24 hour fasts whenever I can (ie, not eating after 1pm or something arbitrary like that. Sneaking fasts in here and there works well for me.)
Plus, I finally got to 135 and it has plateaued, to my dismay. I've also discovered what I've suspected for a while, that I don't fit into a D cup anymore. I measured today...I don't. I actually dropped 2 cup sizes, to a B. They don't look any different really, they just don't stick ouit as far anymore. But they don't look as nice and I suffered a breast identity crisis today. I've formed a lot of my identity after the age of 14 for having a D cup and now I don't. I didn't realize how that would affect me negatively like that, but I guess losing 40 lbs comes with a cost and since it doesn't yet put me in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee just yet, I'll take it. It just pisses me off to no end that my [NONESSENTIAL TO HUMAN/INFANT SURVIVAL] ass and thighs still look like they do and I lost the weight in my boobs??!
Who am I kidding, when they were that big I thought they were too big because I had a hard time finding shirts that fit and overall I'm thinner but I still have a "nice" rack and eventually I will lose thigh-weight and I need to just CHILL THE FUCK OUT and not lose focus of the goal.
Guys at work think I'm worth looking at. I spent a few weeks in a self-esteem low point so being admired this week feels good, and I haven't felt good in a while.
Just don't lose sight of the goal. If I get hungry I just need to look at my jiggly cellulite riddled ass and thighs to remind myself that I HAVEN'T LOST ENOUGH WEIGHT YET. I've made a dent, its a good start, but I need to burn ass fat. I'm afraid it can't be done without exercise...ugh. I hate it. I like gyms but I don't have a membership.
Runners: does running improve your physique or just burn cals?
I'm going to start c25k soon. Or at least try. I think spring is FINALLY here.
Urgh. I wish I didn't need the approval of others to make or break my mood or the outcome of my day. I wish I didn't need to see a guy check me out in order to feel good about my day. Someday, I'm afraid even that won't be enough.
Love,
Emily
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- Emily
- I'm a lifetime student of the School of Self-Loathing. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and I want to control something I know I can. I want to be thin. I want to use starving as self destruction and thinness as a means of getting what I want. This is my Ana blog...my Analog. Email me at: negativespaceblog@gmail.com
3 comments:
hey emily, running does improve your physique, a lot actually and in different ways depending on how you train. Keep in mind it does take time to see results but it will happen.
Running, espeically sprint/jog intervals tones your core/abs because your body fights to maintain balance during sprints, your legs get firmer and toned I find it helps me (along with other things) to get rid of cellulite on my thighs, plus it helps lose weight all over.
My legs change shape a bit when I run, in a good way.
the key is to mix in intervals along with steady state runs.
~ H
Sadly, one of the first palces a female loses/gains weight is in her chest. Booba are mammary tissue and liquid fat repositories, after all! (Seriously, the ONLY form of fat I like is boobs!)
Sad face for the cup size loss. I sympathize completely. I've been DD since I was about 15, and going up to E when I binged my ass off had me cryign in the corner for days.
Best of luck with the running <3 You're bloody keen! XD
WOAH WOAH! skinny mini!! 135 is fantastic! I would be flipping out if I could ever get there! alas, I am stuck at 144. But these two weeks are for dieting alone!!! maybe i'll get under 140 for the first time since I was in junior high! eeek
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