Down 2 lbs.

Sorry to be an absent loser. I had lost my motivation and not eaten horribly, but not great. Weight fluctuated, but not consistent loss. I was flexing between 139-144 lbs. Right now, after a few good days, I am 137.4. I have new motivation and I am not stopping until I am 130 at least.

This year is about growth for me. I don't want to be at odds with myself anymore. I want to love myself. I can't love myself until I love what I see. (WITHOUT having to suck in the belly). I can't always do it for hateful reasons ("you don't deserve to eat") because when my stomach is yelling loud enough, it convinces my brain that I DO deserve to eat. And then I binge fatty fatty. Soooo..I need to change my focus. That I am gaining control and working towards perfection, not doing it for punishment. If it is in the form of a positive I seem to do a lot better. The only time a negative really works for me is when I get in a fight with Josh and I passive-aggressively use restriction to get back at him since I'm trying, TRYING not to slice myself anymore. At least, not where anyone will notice.

So today I've had about 300 calories of oatmeal (2 servings) because I LOVE IT and it fills me up for a few hours, and its good for you. I will allow myself a glass of milk to take vitamins with and maybe even a spoonful of peanut butter (hey, its payday, why not celebrate and get rowdy with pb?) and at that point I'll probably be near 500 calories, which is about where I was yesterday.

If I'm lucky I'll lose another pound tomorrow. If I'm REALLY lucky I'll be at 135. If I remember correctly I've hit 135 before so I'm not going to get too optimistic about it until I can hang onto it for more than 2 hours or go below it, which I've never done before.


Oh, I forgot to mention another reason I suddenly have an increase in my resolve.

Josh and I (mainly Josh - I am able to stay under 1000 cals for the day, he has to have a "diet") have started up the low cal diet thing again. I don't remember how it came up but we were talking about weight numbers. I've usually been very private about my weight loss, for fear he'd notice or be concerned. Well if I knew he WOULDN'T be concerned at all, maybe I'd flaunt it a little more! Because I casually mentioned I was once 172 and I'd lost 30 lbs in the last year, and he was underwhelmed. (Although to be fair, I don't really know what I was hoping his reaction would be. Was I secretly hoping for concern? Worry? Awe?) In fact, he said he didn't even notice, and that since I'd measured 172 on an old scale, there may be a 10-15 lb discrepancy from what our scale says now and it probably wasn't that drastic. (Was he jealous??) He said I don't really look like I lost much weight (Really? My finally visible hipbones and shoulder blades beg to differ [not my thighs, and ass, however]) but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that when you see someone every day, 30 lbs either way is often not noticeable. Apparently he weighed 30 lbs less than he does now when we first started dating, and I didn't notice any weight gain or change at all. I only see it when I see pictures from that time. I guess if you're not keeping people up to date on your loss ("Hey, I just lost another 10 lbs!") They are less likely to notice it.

So long story short, I want it to hit him in the face. I want it to be obvious. I just want him to notice. I'm not going to tell him I'm losing any more weight. I'm not going to say anything until he does. Then I'll see how many pounds I had to lose before, in his eyes, I wasn't 170 lbs anymore.

I just want to be happy and socially acceptable. I struggled with not being accepted for so long in school that only as an adult am I finally not a total FREAK (at least not outwardly - inside, I'm still as mentally scarred/fucked up as ever) and I want to polish that.

I'm getting a really funky hunger headache that will ruin my day at work if I don't take care of it. So I bid you all adieu.

Its good to be back.


XOXOXOX