and it feels so good

For those of you who are curious, I will go into details of the previous post.

Later.

For right now, I'm mainly concerned about my eating which, frankly, has been atrocious the last few days. (Why does every get together in Wisconsin need burgers AND brats??)

I have been a brooding binge-monster lately. I am stuck in my head and won't stop eating til I'm full. We visited his family this weekend and ate. Most of the people in his family smoke pot other than his ma and grandma and I spent the last three days in a super high haze with his southern mulleted family. (Don't get me wrong, I really love them. They take redneck jokes in stride.) But that didn't help when I'm emotional and prone to eating crap food to begin with.

So today I took a stand. Before I went to bed last night I ate some Kashi cereal and drank some Smooth Move tea (I seriously love that fuckin stuff) and my morning was spent being...emptied. I have eaten fruit and corn dogs and fries but I am done eating for the day. That leaves me at a comfortable 730ish calories. If I really can't stand it I'll have a ramen instant soup thing which will put me at just over 1000.

I am currently sipping a diet cherry coke (=love) and am loving the hunger high.

I hope I'm here to stay. No more mess ups. I can't afford to stay where I'm at. I'm unhappy in my life and I need somewhere to put my head. Crafting (knitting, making jewelry, etc.), reading, exercising, etc., though effective, occasionally leads to some animosity from Josh who thinks I'm doing it to ignore him. Especially when I get obsessive about such things, as I occasionally do, and let it control my life. And who knows, maybe those quiet distractions are my respite when I can't get away from him in the space we share.

But Ana, she is always there. Feeding me from the inside with delicious hunger and satiating my desire for self destruction and seclusion under the guise of outward beauty. But if outward beauty is what gets you what you want in the modern world, well, I'll take that too.

So even when I'm present and with him, my mind can be elsewhere, scheming and dreaming and calculating and wishing and hoping that I will someday just float away from it all and that all the answers will be clear.

For now, I'm stuck in my head. I feel wonderfully hungry and dizzy and successful today. No food can destroy me today. I win.

((EDIT)) I lose. He's making me eat DiGiorno pizza. I'll try to keep it low. Oh fuck.

Fuckfuckfuck.