I feel excessive. Very much aware of myself and my presence. And I feel like I'm too much. Too loud. Too tall. Too nosy. Too thoughtful.
Too much.
Not enough to desire. Too much to tolerate. Or love.
I can sense my mass. Its too much. I am too HERE. Does that make sense? Its a perception hard to describe.
I sound like I'm stoned. I am, but still. I was thinking this long before I smoked. And I smoked to clear my mind.
And escape.
That guy in the "perfect relationship" from work I mentioned earlier is FINALLY getting married this weekend. Good. Now I don't have to hear about it anymore. And I don't have to wish and wonder what it would be like to be in such a perfect relationship. And have such a great husband. Because I don't have to hear him plan his wedding out loud anymore. He'll only mention his "wife" here and there. God, I am such an angry cunt hating on what I have. I am so pissed off right now I just want to cry and cut. The vague awareness of the feeling of hunger is the only thing keeping me remotely sane at this very minute.
At least I'm hungry.
I ate four fazoli's breadsticks and gingerly tried to purge them unsuccessfully today in my first effort ever. Nothing happened other than some foamy stomach acid and gagging on my toothbrush. I guess my body and animalistic side of the brain were not willing to part with the food it fought my sick brain so hard to partake in.
So I took three laxatives and gripped my desk with the terror of an anxiety attack.
Maybe I'll enjoy success some other time.
But right now I HATE EVERYTHING.
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- Emily
- I'm a lifetime student of the School of Self-Loathing. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and I want to control something I know I can. I want to be thin. I want to use starving as self destruction and thinness as a means of getting what I want. This is my Ana blog...my Analog. Email me at: negativespaceblog@gmail.com
2 comments:
I'm sorry you feel like muck right now. I was thinking, maybe that guy at your work talks about how great his relationship is because it's really not all that great, and he is just trying to make himself feel better. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. And I know exactly what you mean by feeling like too much. It sucks, but you'll soon be 'too little' :) Stay strong, we can do this! xoxo
Ex-CUSE me for using non-crocher pointy kneedles! :p (The puns! They burn so good)
Oooh I love glittens. I covet them so hard! Pity I'm still such a n00b with the knitting and even worse with a crochet hook 0.0 All I can make with one of those is a bloody mess!
*Hugs* You know what you ate? TOO AWESOME. Take the hate out on some poor, unsuspecting pillows ok? Don't make any more scars on your skin unless you're paying someone to make pretty ones with a tattoo gun.
Have fun making those glittens, I hope your weekend away from Mr. Perfectly Smug Work Dude perks you up a bit <3
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