You've been warned. Its just a rant of all the mindfuck. You really don't need to read it.
I apologize for the three weeks of absence. I got lazy. And since I got lazy, I got fat(ter).
Today I am miserable, and made miserable by my own fucking brain. The brain that tells me I'm fat and worthless and am doing everyone a disservice by being present. Therefore I went to Menards (local hardware store) and Walmart, had a panic attack about everyone looking at me and thinking I'm fat and knowing I have no business being out and taking up their space, and went home to do laundry and pack up some stuff like the good little housemarm I am. Josh doesn't make me feel like I need to be a housewife, I do.
I felt so dizzy and caught up in the madness that I cut. My cuts are wussy, its just deep enough to barely bleed, but the blood is all I need to see. Normally I don't cut and I take it out on myself by not eating but I already felt full from being such a pig today that that wasn't an option. I can't feel like I'm fasting and harming myself if I can't feel like I'm fasting because I'm full. So I loaded up on laxies (it'll hurt later - good!!) and cut and cried for no reason. I'm not a cry-er, so I really hate doing it.
You know what I hate? Being human. I hate having to need other people, or ask them for things. I hate showing emotion. I hate showing weakness. I hate being wrong. I hate asking for help. I hate sex (SO human, SO unnecessary.), I hate needing to eat, I hate telling people how I feel about things, I hate sharing my feelings, I hate opening up. I can't communicate, I can't keep track of everything, I can't figure out how to use my time wisely, I can't figure out how to live, I can't be normal.
I can't not NEED. I can't even keep myself away from food long enough not to inhale it and put on weight like I'm fucking hibernating.
I can't stop feeling bad about wasting my time off (what precious few days I have - having today off is a fluke to begin with).
I'm all over the place. This is ridiculous.
I want to be numb. I would give anything to be numb right now.
And skinny.
I wish my mood wouldn't dictate the outcome of my day. Because I'm pretty sure I wasted this one. But when your whole life is a waste, could you expect any less?
Enough of the toxic hate. Folks, pay no attention to this one. I am just a fucked up HUMAN feeling sorry for myself. I needed an outlet. And I can't tell anyone how I feel face to face, so I'll admit it to a bunch of complete strangers.
I'm a fuck up.
Never tell anyone how you feel.
It NEVER matters.
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1 comment:
You sound completely fucking depressed. That is NOT your fault at all!
Feeling overwhelmed, needing people, hating people, not wanting to feel bad-good-anything, is OK.
Do you take anything for your panic attacks? That would be my first step, finding help for the anxiety and depression.
I used to stay home and eat just to deal with the stress from it all.
I am so glad you came here to vent. Keep doing it! We have all felt this way at some point. You are not alone.
Much luv,
xoxo zen
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