I Suck

I hate the day after a bad day post. I always feel compelled to quick write something innocuous so the bad vibes of yesterday are buried before anyone feels like they have to read about them.

And I have to live with my impulsive decisions, like totally cancelling my sister's visit this weekend because I panicked last night and couldn't stand the thought of anyone staying in my messy apartment and I thought I'd be boring because it's going to rain this weekend. I feel guilty now because I really do want her to visit, I just went crazy and further fucked my weekend. I've tried calling my mom to tell her I changed my mind, but nobody has answered. I just feel so bad that I let my emotions dictate the rest of my weekend and now I regret it.

Is that super pathetic? I'm not usually like this. Like I said in my last post, I don't like being human and will usually do whatever it takes to stifle any emotion I have. Sometimes, it just comes spilling out anyway because I can't even do that right.


Okay, at what point does this post get optimistic?

Hm...lets see.

Oh! I saw Elton John last weekend! It was awesome! I was so excited and totally made aware about how few songs I actually know all the words to. But he did sing "Circle of Life" and being the total Lion King kid I was, I knew that one :P We could see him really well too, I got some good pics!

Next weekend we're going camping. Its a little early but we were so excited. Josh tried cancelling the trip last night but I was so emotionally fragile that that made me start crying so we're still going.

We're moving in a month. Its just far enough away to be super excited, but also too far away to start packing or helping the cause in any way. I'll have a washer and dryer in-unit (the best part for me!), private entry, big kitchen, big bathroom, big closets, garage, patio, 2 bedrooms....

Movin' on up. It will be nice.

Well, since my sister won't be here this weekend (cause I totally fucked that up) I think I can muster a weekend long fast! I was planning on not eating until she said she was hungry, then I'd take her out somewhere. But since nobody will be here to tell me they're hungry, I ain't fuckin' eating! I can keep working on my "Fasting" bracelet too, which means I can't eat while I'm wearing it! I know I still have yet to post a picture of my other one, and I'm lazy so it will be a while. I probably will after the fasting one is done, so I can kill two birds with one picture...er...stone.

What sucks for me is bad moods motivate me to fast and restrict because it is so easy to hate myself that way. So when I'm in a good mood, its a lot harder to keep it going. I must have been in a good mood the last few weeks. What also keeps me going is keeping up with blogs, because they're motivating. So since I'm in a bad mood and I'm keeping up on blogs today, not eating should be a cinch. I was 150 lbs this morning with jammies on so I should hopefully be in the high 140's by Monday morning. I can hope?

So....whatever. Now I totally don't know what to do with myself this weekend. At least yesterday wasn't Saturday. I always feel horrible when I waste a perfectly good day off feeling sorry for myself. Heres hoping I don't do the same thing the next two days as well?

God I'm useless.

I'm going to go make some coffee and then........


who knows.



Oh, and special thanks to P.D. for listening to all my griping yesterday via texts. I'm so glad I had someone there for me! You are the best! xx


peace