We All Have Something That Digs At Us

"...At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up

I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone."

"Dig" -- Incubus


Incubus is my favorite band, and the song "Dig" is up there on my list of favorites by them. It is a contemporary tune, you may have even heard it on the radio. What you may not have heard were the Ana connotations that I [cherrypicked] heard in the song yesterday that I have never heard before. Seriously. Look up the lyrics sometime. Add it to your Ana playlist. Its a good one.

and Brandon Boyd (lead singer) is HAWT:

















Since I have a bleeding heart for everyone's daughter, granddaughter, or niece at work, and I have the willpower of a 400 lb. girl, I am getting girl scout cookies today. The thing that sucks about these is A. They're delicious and B. You buy them a month ago in a weak moment, and then when the time comes to get them, you don't want/need them anymore but you already signed your life away to them so you HAVE to get 'em. And I bought them from two people. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW MANY I BOUGHT! Thats the dangerous part! What if I was feeling especially bingey that day and ordered 1 of each? or 100 of everything? FUCK THE GIRL SCOUTS!

Ever since I typed the words "start" and "running" in my last post, it has been nonstop 20 degree weather and snow flurries. Its expected all this week. I can't start running in weather this disheartening, or I'll quit in one day!

I had a Dr. Appt yesterday. I got a tetanus booster and I think my arm is going to fall off. Seriously, my muscle hurts, and I have NO patience for anything, so I want the pain to go away right now. I was supposed to get a pap too (ick) but I got my period on Monday, so I had to reschedule for next week. My weight was 153, with clothes on. Clothes or no clothes, I've gained. At least it was nice to see the doctors scale was telling me the same one my home scale was. I was paranoid that spending $20 on a scale meant I was getting an inaccurate one or worse, I was still 170 lbs and it was totally lying to me outright. (Because it doesn't look like I've lost any weight at all! Thats how much more I still have to lose!) The best part is I can FINALLY get back on the pill, and I can try to get back on Adderall. Is it true? Is my life finally starting to shape up? We shall see.

I'm hungry. This may be the first time I've felt hunger since Valentine's Day. Seriously. I've almost forgotten what it's like. I've been somewhat of a bingey mess since then. I may have had a few good days of restriction sprinkled in there somewhere, but not many. I've been really bad, and the scale has not been kind to me either. It doesn't help that I had that huge fight with Josh last week; that was pretty triggering. Plus when we had that friend over on Sunday we made tacos for dinner, and have been eating taco leftovers ever since. (I seriously hate throwing food away. I'd rather eat now and restrict later once its all gone. I'm too poor to throw shit away.)

Today can be a day of mostly restriction, with 1 solid food item; guacamole for dinner (with tortilla chips). I have two avocados I need to eat. Then thats pretty much the last of the taco stuff.

I have been TOTALLY lazy this morning. The most I've done is made lattes for me and Josh. I haven't even showered. And I need to go to work in 25 mins. Think I'll have to wash my hair in the sink and load up on body spray today. I don't stink but I don't feel clean. Gross, no? I've been depressed and unmotivated. I am sick of winter and I'm ready for spring to start my running, and to hopefully move, and to change. I need change. Thats probably what I'm pining for.

I wish I could just call in Mental Health Days at work for the next month. I just want some time off to do whatever I please.

And I wish I could cancel those damn cookie orders.

Be prepared to read tomorrow about a massive cookie binge of epic proportions. I'm going to try to be reasonable about my cookie intake but no guarantees.

[if I hurry up and get rid of (eat) them they won't tempt me any longer. Again, I can't throw anything away.]

Time for my hair-shower.

peace

Emily