Here we go, folks. The cold is mostly gone, save for some phlegmy coughing and nose blowing, but that part always drags out for a while.
Today is day 1 of backontrack. I am restricting again. I am well enough to say "fuck you!" to food.
And today is Wednesday, so my friends from work are going to want me to go drink cheap rail mixers after work again. Except this Wednesday is different from last Wed. Last Wed. I hit a new ATL of 145 lbs and I noticed slight slimness around my middle area and I felt kind of pretty. Today I am fat and slobby at 152 lbs of pure blubber and bloat after a week of eating to impatiently cure my fucking cold that came out of NOWHERE and there is NO WAY I'm going out looking this fat.
I can't tell them that. I can't tell them "sorry, I'm too fat today." Thats not normal. I just want to scream it though. I want to scream it at them when 3 or 4 different people are gonna ask me today, "are you going out after work?"
"NO!!" I scream, 6 inches away from their faces. "NO FUCKING WAY! I AM TOO FAT!"
In my cowardly head, that is what I'll say. For real, I'll just say "not tonight."
[Has anybody else given up something because you thought you were too fat for it?]
Today, thus far, has been a 150 calorie salad (estimated). For break, it will be a hard boiled egg (70 cals), and for lunch, it will be a 90 cal Campbells Chicken and Stars "Soup at Hand".
If I stick with it, thats a neat little 310 calories. A very good start to my restriction. And I'm feeling so low about having gained so much weight in the last week that I will have no problem getting back into this. I have to get back to 145 very soon or I'll die.
Sorry to be dramatic. But 145 felt so good and I am so pissed at my body for getting sick that I'm going to punish it. I hardly ever get sick. Nobody I know is sick right now. So where did I get this cold, and why did my stupid body succumb to it? Shouldn't we as a human race be immune to this bullshit by now?
Fuck you body. You're not getting calories. How do you like them apples?
[What apples? No apples here!]
Okay....so maybe my friend Pamela Marie Smith (read: PMS) is paying me a visit today, and putting me slightly on edge.
That doesn't mean I'm still not fucking fat.
I'm done ranting. Sorry to have made you read that. I hope you didn't read the whole word vomit-y thing.
peace
Emily
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- Emily
- I'm a lifetime student of the School of Self-Loathing. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and I want to control something I know I can. I want to be thin. I want to use starving as self destruction and thinness as a means of getting what I want. This is my Ana blog...my Analog. Email me at: negativespaceblog@gmail.com
5 comments:
Ha, I read every last word of it, and enjoyed it, too. What apples? Lol, you're wonderful.
I know how you feel about the too-fat-to-go-anywhere thing. I feel that way often. Nearly every day. My bed is littered with clean clothing, outfit upon outfit that did NOT make the cut, because my ass looked too huge in those pants or that shirt accentuated my pudgy belly...Ugh. ED eyes. Did you know that other people actually view us as 20% more attractive than we think we are? That explains why my boyfriend thinks I'm pretty, I guess... I dunno.
I should be in hyper-restrictive mode as well, considering my recent regain of two lbs that now won't go anywhere...but NOOOooooOOO...Of course not. Instead I'm eating like a normal person (around 1,500 to 2,000 a day...wtf?) and I feel disgusting. And yet somehow, my will power is fading...my drive..it's gone... Well, I won't burden you with all of that, you'll read it in my most recent post anyway. ;)
I love your word vomit. Keep it up. :D
I hate how fast you can put on weight if you're sick! I have such a terrible cold and its making me fat too! I dont want to go out on my friday 'Date night" because everyone else will be skinny!
Hey! its the cereal that gives me 114%- its fiber one. It has 120 calories to get 114%, but to me its totally worth it! Keeps me full for a good 5 hours and it has sooo much fiber! AND it works really well (usually I'm in the restroom in 2-3 hours) and it isnt gross like laxatives, nothing runny, ew!
First thing I read when I go to comment.... and it isn't gross like laxatives, nothing runny, ew!... lmaso!!!! anywho Emily? after you read Wasted again, wanna message me with all of your fave parts? cause people are like "My favorite part was when she talked about food"... I was like where is that?... lol good luck... stay strong
hey hun, don't worry, if you put on that much in a week its probably just water weight and not fat. it will melt right off as soon as you start restricting.
i wish you all the luck! xxxx
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