Lonely

Todays intake:
- 24 oz coffee (10 cals or under)
- lemon poppyseed muffin (I'm going to liberally call it 400 calories)
- lots of water
- sorrow with a dash of pathetic-ness




You don't have to read this part, its a rant. My mind is in 30 different directions right now.

After the fiance and I fight a lot (which usually involves him telling me he hates me and wants to break up with me and wants me out of his life and such) I feel so alone. We're "okay" now, we've made up. Sort of. I always think its "sort of" because I still feel broken. After all the hurtful words have faded into darkness and the angry faces and gestures darken and fade in my memory, the feelings still lie. I really love him a lot (you're probably wondering why) and he'll come home and kiss me hello and I put my face out to receive the kiss but inside I'm recoiling violently. He rolls over in bed to gently caress me as I fall asleep and I lay there and take it but my flesh goosebumps in protest and my hands make fists. My stomach trembles and I hate him for hurting me so gently.

When someone you love tells you they don't love you anymore and hate you and want you out of their life, you kind of start to mentally prepare for that to happen. I love him but if he tells me he doesn't want me in his life anymore my brain already starts the separation process to protect itself. It would be really hard to be alone and if it were to happen I would have to mentally cut him off early to protect my emotions. So the next day when he loves me again and everything is happy and fresh, I'm still dealing with the "trying not to love you anymore" feelings and it takes a week or two to get over that. So when he's all happy being okay with me, he doesn't realize those things he said are still hurting me, like a burn to my flesh that just keeps on burning. I'm still trying to steer the Titanic that is my gray matter from the iceberg of Breakup towards the New York Harbor that is a happy relationship, where I can feel close to him again.

I don't feel close to him right now. I feel like we drift around each other. I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I feel hungry because I don't respect the body that gives me perception by giving it food. I don't even look the part of an anorexic, thats what I hate the most. I don't deserve the name. There should be a new word for a fat anorexic that hasn't "made it" yet. Someone who doesn't look anorexic. Whatever. My brain hurts. I want to numb it.

Time for fucking work. I'm working 7 days a week now.

"At least I have a job."