Hello.
I've been away for a while but you guys didn't miss anything. I've eaten and gotten fatter. So fat I'm bursting out of my skin yellow chunky fat. Okay maybe not, but I might as well be. I'm up to 160 again. It feels bad...really bad. I was shopping at Macy's for a sweater to wear over my dress for my cousin's wedding (in 12 hours) and I was ready to cry. I hate clothes shopping because it makes me feel so fat and poor to not be able to fit into, or afford, pretty clothes. I'm so ugly and fat and frumpy that every single person in Macy's looked at me and judged me. They thought I was fat and disgusting and a misfit and they told me to go back to Walmart where I belong.
....well, they might as well have.
In 7 hours, my cousin will be waking up and getting her hair done, then shimmying into a wedding gown. All day, I'll get to hear "So when are you getting married?" when Josh and I haven't set a date yet and don't want to get married for a few years til we have more money or good jobs or real lives or something that makes a good marriage. We can't get married til I can be useful to him. Either skinny arm candy or super rich or able to completely open up to someone without keeping secrets here and there. We can't ever get married til I can be a good wife.
We're never getting married.
All day I'll get to deal with the family drama. The mother of the bride that has sort of been ousted by her daughter when it comes to wedding planning. My mother who just wants to keep her sister happy, her mother's nose out of everyones business, and the family sane. Me, who just wants to figure out why I worry about everything. Why I make my cousin's mother/daughter drama something to fret over and feel like I can change it. I think my mother is dealing with that right now. Thanks, mom, for giving me the gift (curse) of caring just too fucking much about everything.
And then theres Facebook stalking my friends, and seeing all the people who have gotten married lately that I know...(and there is a lot)...and then I wonder, why shouldn't I get married?
CAUSE I WON'T BE A FUCKING GOOD WIFE AND HE'LL DIVORCE ME BEFORE WE EVEN HIT 10 YEARS AND I CAN'T FUCKING AFFORD TO FAIL YET ONE MORE THING
...
...
IF I FAIL ONE MORE THING I'LL DIE
...
.......
Anyway, I felt so crappy at Macy's that I internalized that crappy feeling and used it as motivation. I told myself (in my head) "Remember how this feels....remember how shitty you feel....remember what you look like you fucking ugly whale....remember this while you're starving yourself to regain the control you lost before Lydia's wedding. Remember how shitty you feel today and use it as motivation to stop eating for the rest of your life."
Lydia's wedding is a turning point. Of course I have to eat at her reception. But I don't have to after that. Tomorrow will be day 0 of hardcore fasting to make up for being such an oinker the last two weeks. I am holding no more punches. I am making no more excuses. I am fat because I made myself fat and I will stop it after tomorrow with the fam.
I am going to look so ugly tomorrow I will probably want to cry. Even if I had a fabulous dress and an expensive purse and a beautiful hairdo I'd get envious of the other girls because they look prettier. Even if I look nice, they will always look nicer. I can never be happy with what I have, I have to always want what everyone else has. I am such a poser...I paint myself as this confident, hippie-type chick who has an untouchable ego and I am the most self - conscious person of them all. I am not who I say I am. I would give up my good bra size, my fiance, and my cat to be one of those people who never seem to have problems...who are beautiful no matter what they do...to be truly confident in who you are to not care what anyone thinks or says...
...to not be someone who thinks too much. To not be me.
I should be happy for my cousin but instead I'm jealous because MY life is crappy. I can't even be happy for someone else without being able to stop thinking about ME.
I'm so selfish and pathetic I should just die.
I'm rambling....so I'm stopping it here. Sorry for this...you don't need to read it.
Search
The One and Only
- Emily
- I'm a lifetime student of the School of Self-Loathing. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and I want to control something I know I can. I want to be thin. I want to use starving as self destruction and thinness as a means of getting what I want. This is my Ana blog...my Analog. Email me at: negativespaceblog@gmail.com
2 comments:
I read your post on Saturday but I didn't feel like I was in the right frame of mind to comment because I felt like I would be hypocritical... (pot calling kettle black etc)
But honestly hun stay strong and force yourself to get your feelings of inadequacy, self loathing (not sure if you do.. but I totally do and your post reminds me of my pre-wedding feelings..)and use this crappy feeling for motivation.
I can't stand feeling judged but at the same time I know everyone is doing it and I DO it, so it is not something we can avoid.
Do this for you babe, and no one but you... because anyone worth while loves you for who you are and accepts you AS IS. Your fiance sounds awesome and really supportive (and you live together so he must know you.. the real you). Don't let this feeling of not being good enough get in the way of your relationship with him progressing -- if that's what you want.
Sry about the long ranting comment... I just want you to know that I read it, and that I completely relate -- except instead of being the hippie chick I'm the sarcastic bitch who comes across oh-so-fucking confident =P
Stay strong hunnie and believe in yourself, because if you don't who will?
Keep your chin up <3
xo
=) thanx for the encouragment! Can't wait to read an update -- hope all is well with you!!
xo
Post a Comment