Willpower

I recall saying yesterday I was going to elaborate on this past weekend. The farther away from the weekend I get, the less I care about it. It wasn't pretty.

Fasted on Friday, ate a cheeseburger. Saturday was mandatory overtime with free food. I can not even begin to explain to you the intense urge I had to binge all day Saturday. Its like nothing I've ever felt before. It was a planned eating, if not over-eating day, but I had to wait until 7pm before dinner was served. So I had 5 hours at work before 7 to just *think* about all the food in the fridges in the lunchroom, dream about it, want it, drool over it. Seriously, I could have just eaten everything in there so that there was none left by the time lunch rolled around. I mean I've been hungry and had cravings before but never an urge THIS INTENSE. So I munched on some Kashi crackers from my car and was the first in line for lunch when it was served. I didn't really eat THAT much, but it was enough to fill me up to the point of wanting to purge. Purging a thing I've never done before. It was one beef sandwich, some veggies, a soda, and a cookie bar. But it felt like a lead weight in my stomach and I wanted to get rid of it. I was ready to go to the bathroom and finger my throat, something I've never done before. Except someone needed help with something and by the time I was done helping them it would have been pointless to even try.

Sunday we had people over and made tacos and salsa and chips and margaritas and my favorite beer. I also smoked for the first time in a long time, so I had the munchy thing working against me too. This was another day I was pining for a binge. So I ate. And ate. And ate til I was full. And let that full, nasty feeling subside a little bit. And then eat more til the full feeling comes back. I seriously ate all fucking day. Eat til it hurts, wait a half hour til the hurt goes away, go right back to eating. I have never done this before in my life.

Enough said about that, it was a terrible weekend, centered around food.

About a half hour ago I was naked, getting ready to take a shower, and my fiance came in the bathroom, a few minutes before he had to leave for work. He was hugging me and we both looked in the mirror. I, for a moment, honestly thought to myself "is it possible that I look a tad skinnier?" All this weight loss and I swear I haven't actually SEEN any visible results yet. I was pondering that for a moment until my fiance playfully patted my ass (he loves my butt - apparently he has an elephant fetish) and I saw a shockwave ripple go from my padded fat ass through my padded fat hips, and down the other way to my thunderous thighs, and I was thoroughly disgusted. Any weight loss I saw a minute before disappeared with that shockwave. He was smiling in the mirror and kissed my cheek and said see baby, you do have a nice body. He tried hugging me and I turned to him and pushed him away and blurted out "I don't have time for this!". He frowned at me and stormed off and left for work, and I just hopped in the shower, to let the hot water wash the shame away.

That may have repercussions later because I spent the entire morning reading (finished it in two days) and he'll say I have time to waste time reading but not spend time with him, blah blah blah. P.S. I really liked Wintergirls.

I will say this though. The day of my fast I measured in at a 152.8. New ATL! After my weekend of piggery, I gained a bit and weighed in at high 150's-low 160's. A little while ago, after my shower, I weighed in at 153.4. Back to my old ATL! Once I am consistently at or below 152 I'll mark it on my chart to the right. I don't mark them unless I've stayed at that weight for a while.

153.4 sets my mood for the day. I'm happy :) And I'll reward myself with a 100 cal fat free yogurt and Coke Zero at lunch.

Same for tomorrow.

And if Saturday comes with another binge mood, I'll control it better. I WILL HAVE CONTROL. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY STUPID FAT WORTHLESS BODY.

Ahh! I'm running late!

Peace,

Emily