I'm Back

Today is Josh's first day of his "week on", meaning he's working the next seven days. I haven't been able to post since my fast because he's been HERE EVERY DAY since then.

My fast went good. I actually went 24 hours without food! It felt so good!
Then it went kinda bad...
As soon as I got home the day of my fast, my friend wanted to go out drinking. I was trying to avoid it without seeming like a bitch cause I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good fast with alcohol calories. I mean, I seriously had NO calories all day, and I wasn't about to spoil that! However, I hadn't seen her in a while and she was probably thinking I was avoiding her. Eventually I just kinda stopped answering texts and I said Josh doesn't feel like going out and he wants to stay home with me. A total lie, but it got me out of going out. Plus I'm going to see her this Saturday for her birthday.
Crisis averted. But then, Josh wanted to watch Memento. (GOOD movie.) But we couldn't just watch it, we had to watch it while stuffing our faces. Cause thats how we do things together, apparently. He wanted Wendy's. My stomach dropped and I immediately get this panicked feeling, like I'm about to be force-fed. I offer the lie "I'm not hungry" but he instantly calls me out on it; he saw me drink coffee for breakfast, bring nothing to work for lunch, and eat nothing when I got home. I agree to a stupid junior bacon cheeseburger, and half a large fry. I felt down that I broke my fast and I couldn't even live a day without food, but when I looked at the clock, it was after midnight. Which means I had already hit my 24 hour goal before I even ate the stupid burger! So on technicality alone, I did manage a fast. Only to break it shortly thereafter. BUT I could have made it the rest of the night had I not been forced to eat. I KNOW I CAN DO IT! AND I HAVE DONE IT! I feel like a warrior who was just given a gun at a knife fight. I have a new tool in the fight against fat!
I felt obligated to eat by my fiance after he said this in rebuttal to my apparently weak argument "I'm not hungry.":

"Emily, you are too hungry. You haven't eaten all day. Don't try this 'anorexic' bullshit, it doesn't work. You need to up your exercise level and then lower your calorie intake to lose weight. It isn't going to work, don't even try."

I was slightly taken aback by that. First of all, I've never had publicly obvious anorexic tendencies before now, and I didn't think he noticed. I may have to be slightly more "underground" now. Second of all, I think he's slightly worried about it. Not for my health, but because A. food provided something for us to "do" (go out to eat, pig out while watching a movie, get stoned and gorge on munchies) and he'll think I'm boring or withdrawing and B. he's a bigger guy who eats a lot and if we ate a lot together it wasn't so bad but if he's eating a lot alone he'll feel my eyes watching him and it makes him uncomfortable about his weight and eating habits. Third, I have a rebellious streak in me. Whenever someone tells me I can't do something I want to go out and do it even more. So instead of hearing a warning in his words, I hear a challenge. You don't think its working? I've already lost 15-20 lbs! I've just learned that I can fast! If you think it doesn't work then why does a simple Google Image search of "thinspo" come up with incredibly skinny women, some overly so? Don't tell me that its simply a high metabolism; thats no accident. It WILL work. It IS working. I accept your challenge.

The rest of the weekend was a planned binge. Free food on Saturday, Tacos and football game on Sunday with friends. It was also the first weekend I smoked pot in a while. Unfortunately, I have to go to work in 5 minutes, so I can't write about it now. I'll elaborate on the rest of my weekend when I get home.

I'll just say this: fasting before a planned eating/binge day is NOT A GOOD IDEA. You WILL overdo it. I guess fasting comes with its own lessons to be learned.

Until later,

Emily