Compulsion

I spent a long time trying to modify the layout of this thing last night, only to get frustrated and set it back to the default black nothing background :D

Well, how can I focus on writing if my blog looks boring?

I've got time now, the fiance is gone at a meeting and I have a whole hour and a half with the apartment to myself before I have to trudge into the hellhole I call my job. I cherish these little gems of alone time because they are so few and far between. He always wonders what I do when I'm alone. Sometimes, he even wonders why I didn't clean anything. Because this is my do whatever I want time! And I do! And I swear, during these little blips of alone time, the clock counts the minutes by fives, not ones. "My" time is so sparse that the clock just leaps and bounds towards the finish line without hardly giving me time to enjoy it. In fact, I'll often skip showers if my alone time is the only time I have to take them. Because that time is wasted when standing naked under water. (Don't worry, I take one at night on those days....I don't smell) Its also wasted sitting around eating when I have THINGS to do!

I felt compelled to create a blog after setting about this project. I read other ones and I thought it would be a great tool to keep me motivated because I would have someone to report progress to, other than myself. (even if I don't have any followers yet.) I think I'd be more apt to binge or ruin it somehow if I'm only reporting back to myself. I can't go to Josh (my fiance) and go "Josh, I ruined my 300 calorie record today with a Big Mac" and expect him to care, or not be concerned. I don't want to disappoint my audience :)

I don't have an addictive personality. I've tried to get addicted to things....I can't. Although I've never tried heroin or coke; maybe I could get addicted to those. But it wouldn't be me consciously committing to them, it would be the drug itself latching on to my brain. And I'm not going to do heroin or coke. The farthest I'll go is weed any maybe sometime in the near future shrooms, but no hard shit. Its too scary, too risky, and I wouldn't even know where to find it. But I have smoked a lot of weed and I used to smoke cigarettes on occasion and I couldn't get addicted to either. I'd keep a pack of cigarettes in my car and would smoke them when I went out to the bar, when I was really angry, or really sad, and the pack would last like a month. I didn't feel a nicotine compulsion. Same goes for weed, although I hear its REALLY difficult to get addicted to that. Especially since I've had to quit since June because I've set about on the quest for a new job because I hate the one I have now and new jobs like to test for that shit (even though it shouldn't fucking MATTER what I do on MY free time, but I digress) and I'm not knocking on people's doors and carjacking just to get my next weed fix. In fact my fiance still smokes it regularly and I'm not going apeshit. (It does smell good though).

That being said, I've already become addicted to the feeling of an empty stomach. Is that the first thing that happens? Its strange. If I feel full I feel disgusting. If I feel empty I feel clean. I absolutely love that feeling and I've been doing everything I can to try to maintain it. Even when I know I have to eat, I eat something small, so that the feeling will come back soon.

And its paying off. I lost two more pounds. On the FedEx shipping scale at work (I weigh myself at work after 8pm when the shipping dept. goes home) I weighed 160 lb last night. Thats with work shoes, clothes, and a blue smock with junk in the pockets. When I came home and weighed myself naked, it was BELOW 160. :) :) 158 perhaps? Now 160 sounds like a lot compared to some of you reporting 130's, 120's, 110's (JEALOUS!) but I'm on my way, ladies and gentlemen.

I have two ladies at work that always ask if I'm losing weight. ALWAYS. Even before I was *actually* losing weight they insisted I look really good. We have to wear big baggy loose blue smocks at work, and they hardly show ANYBODY'S figure underneath, unless you're super fat, then its a bit obvious. Especially if you're wearing a sweatshirt underneath. So thick or thin, everybody pretty much looks the same. So I don't know how they figured I was losing weight. Now I'm anxious for them to tell me that, because that would mean my efforts are starting to show. I've lost over 12 lb already and I haven't seen any noticable changes in my figure yet, so when they say I'm losing weight next time, maybe they'll really mean it. :) I'm anxious to see results somewhere other than the scale.

Speaking of the scale, I think I need a new one. What kind does everyone else use? I'm guessing a digital one that shows your weight to the tenth decimal place (i.e. 143.2 lbs.) I need to get me one of those. Any good suggestions? The one I have now is a cheap non-electrical one that has the little arm that swings over the entire dial and hangs out *around* 160 lbs, but I don't know what it actually is (looks like the one in the picture). I think its time to "break" it (donate it to Goodwill) and "replace" it. Except my fiance is a bit money-worried and he'll probably comment that I spent too much money on it or why did I have to go get a fancy one or you purposely broke it to get a new one because you want to have nice things yada yada yada I don't know why it honestly matters. Maybe I'll get a new one and stash it in my closet or something.

Yesterday I did GREAT until I came home and my fiance had made me dinner. Trust me, it was better to just bite the bullet and eat dinner than start a fight that ends up as "Why don't you love me anymore?" So we had a nice German dinner of roasted potatoes, kielbasa sausage, and sauerkraut. It WAS good, but I was doing good with my empty stomach until then. Oh well, looks like today will be a 300 cal max fast day for me to make up for it. I already had a spinach salad this morning that I'll liberally guess was 200 cals. So tonight I'll eat 1 serving of fat-free pretzels to make up the last 100 and I'll be set. :)

I'll end with a little trivia for you. Ever wonder where the abbreviation lb. for pound came from? Its an abbreviation of the Latin word libra which means "scale" or "balance". I don't know who first decided to use it for pound, but at least you know that the "lb" wasn't pulled out of thin air! (I used to wonder, "did they spell 'pound' differently centuries ago or something?? How do they get 'lb' from THAT?")

Sorry to be so long winded. Hope you stayed with me through all of that. I just have a lot on my mind!

Peace,
Emily