he just HAD to tell me he bought peanut butter....

I was doing okay until then. I was super tired and almost ready to go to bed, then he put the idea of peanut butter in my head. Then, suddenly, a huge PB&J sounded like a good idea.

Ugh. I can feel it, sitting like a big ball of fat and hatred in my stomach. I just want to purge it.

What was I thinking?


I just feel bitter today. An old friend is getting married today (yes, I had to burn a vacation day) and I feel angst. Weddings just baffle me. Not as to why people get married, but why I can't seem to get excited about my own life or my own engagement or marriage. A guy I work a lot with is getting married in two months, and the way he talks about his fiancee is simply magical. He came in just glowing after he did his gift registry. He doesn't care that she wants $1100 in flowers (sounds excessive to me but he's willing to give it up) and he even recently bought her a $80 edible fruit bouquet that was delivered to her from the company. Just because. I have never heard him say anything bad about her, ever. They recently had a fight and all he would say is that they had a fight, not "she's a bitch" or "its her fault" or anything. I dunno. He just really loves her and wants marriage and a house and kids and is the type of guy that would make you excited about a lifetime with him if he was your man.

This friend thats getting married today, her fiance is a Marine, and two days after their wedding they're driving a U-Haul out to live on base in San Diego, where she will go to school and live in warmth and palm trees and money without uncertainty and cushy Gov't stuff. With a husband that is excited to be with her. Being in Cali is one of my dreams. Traveling is one of my dreams. Being loved is one of my biggest dreams.

I just don't know whats going on in my life. I don't know why I'm not excited to plan my own wedding or even in any particular hurry to set a date, and time is ticking. I'm paranoid about life passing me by yet I'm procrastinating life progress. Why? Why am I scared sick of being married by 30 and kids by 40 like my mom when all I'm doing is making that more and more possible?

Why don't I feel like it would last forever?

We recently had another big fight like we did as I described in a recent post. This time it was the night we went out for my birthday. Night before my birthday I have to fear for his and my safety and my possessions, our things. Fantastic.

What irks me about these things is they don't get talked out. That could be partially my fault for never really addressing it other than during the time that its happening, but I'm scared to bring it up. It has this taboo stigma attached to it. Like, if its not currently happening, we don't talk about it. Because HE doesn't want to face whats wrong with HIM and.........

Okay. I'm done with that part of the post. Or this is going to turn into a long, long rant.

And this is an Ana blog. You don't need to know about the other shit.

I just don't have anyone else thats close that I can talk to so candidly. I DON'T HAVE BEST FRIENDS.

So yeah, back to that motherfucking peanut butter.................

Oh crap, I forgot he gave me a Little Debbie "Cosmic Brownie" after that too.....
AND I ATE IT.

GOD DAMN.

Okay.... today is a new, craptastic day. Plan of attack for today? I am not eating anything until the wedding reception, where I will pick at my food and eat the healthiest things on my plate (meat, veggies) and then probably overdo it with alcohol but who-the-fuck-cares. If I'm going to have a lot of calories today, they will come from alcohol.

And I kind of want to cut. Just a little, tiny one. Something I can write off as an accident. Its cathartic. The blood feels like liquid angst and bad vibes oozing through my skin, and I could afford to let off some red steam. I'm not ready to let go of SI yet, its one of the only things that makes me feel sane when everything else is crazy. Its the only thing I can do after crying in the shower and screaming in my pillow.

I hope you all have a fabulous low-cal day. I'll try to. No promises after the beer rolls out, but at least I won't eat a lot!

I'm sorry for dumping on you all. Try to be good little girls today. Today is no-binge Friday. :)

xoxo, thanks for always listening.


Emily