Bang bang, shoot shoot.
Yesterday was horrible. I hate having to put on a happy face for 8 hours of work when nobody knows I'm screaming inside my head all day, and all I want to do is sit in a bathroom stall and slice my arm to ribbons with an exacto and cry. For no goddamn reason.
But I can't.
I wish work gave me ugly days. Just like personal days, except I can call into work FAT.
"Hi! Yes, this is Emily, and I won't be in today, on account of I'm FAT"
and I don't want anyone to see me.
Today is a little better. I can tell I won't be eating a lot today, which is good. I wanted to do a liquid fast until Friday when I go camping with Josh for the weekend. I'll try my best, no guarantees. I can keep a low cal count though, if I do have to eat before then.
I know I'm going to end up eating a lot while we're camping, because we eat a lot while we're camping every time. People do that. I can try to avoid it, but I'm going to get the guilt trip from Josh and its pretty much unavoidable. So I'll have to grin and bear it, er, eat it. Which is why I want to keep a low count before, and after, so it evens out. A weekend of binging that will turn into a month of low calories. That way after this weekend I don't have to worry about food, I can worry about PACKING! because we're moving to a nice new apartment Memorial weekend!
I am so excited for that! The place I'm in now is such a shithole compared to these places!
And then I'll HAVE to stop eating takeout so much because thats money I need for rent! Having a nicer slightly more expensive place may just help me get skinny! Plus it's RIGHT next to a bike trail so I can take up running and biking again. Who needs a gym membership when ya have that?!
So I guess I'm in a slightly better mood today. Some days I just feel awful ALL day. Yesterday was like that.
I have to go get ready for work and stuff. Just wanted to update and read a few new posts from other lovely ladies.
Oh, and today I've had a banana. Thats it. I'm going to try to liquid fast the rest of the day. :)
peace and love skinnies!
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The One and Only
- Emily
- I'm a lifetime student of the School of Self-Loathing. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and I want to control something I know I can. I want to be thin. I want to use starving as self destruction and thinness as a means of getting what I want. This is my Ana blog...my Analog. Email me at: negativespaceblog@gmail.com
4 comments:
"Hi! Yes, this is Emily, and I won't be in today, on account of I'm FAT"
Haha, this really made me laugh - I think like that all the time!
If only xxx
lol... fat days.
I love moving. How exciting! And living by a trail is awesome. Memorial weekend is coming up real quick too
xoxo zen
I SO wish that calling in fat was an option everyone had. Some days, I just really need one of those. Ugh.
xoxo
Aw darling, your comment on my last post brought me to tears. Im always going to be here for you. I know, its the worst feeling in the world. I wrote out a whole heap of letters to people i love, just telling them anything, whatever was on my mind and eventually while writing i began to feel like a real person again.. Of course i never sent the letters.
I put reminders to 'be happy :)' in little places where i knew id later find them.. they made me smile a little.
Sleep + ice cream + sex generally fixes most things too.
I hope your mood is starting to pass, too
love you x
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