Sorry I haven't been around much lately, I just don't like to have to report FAIL FAIL FAIL on a consistent basis.
What happened to my strength? What happened to my resolve? Where did that go?
At one point I was 145. I had so much control at that point. And its been kind of downhill ever since. I had one good night, and then its been eatey-eatey-eatey ever since.
The best I can muster lately is under 1100, it seems. Over 1000 is disgusting. I can barely stay under that.
Today will be different. (I say that every time). But seriously...I think I can do it today. I need my strength back. Spring is just starting and I want to turn heads by summer. Or at least have noticeable changes.
Something is slightly noticeable though, someone from work printed out a group picture we all took last June, and HOLY SHIT did I have a fucking fat face! No wonder I hated taking pictures, my face was perfectly round! The rest of my body was covered up fortunately/unfortunately for me, so I can't see any progress there, but at least my face isn't as rotund as it used to be. Progress?
I tried starting my running program yesterday and I realized I can't even run for a full minute without my chest aching and my head pounding. THAT IS HOW OUT OF SHAPE I AM. (Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of heart defect or something because it hurts bad when I try to run.) To be fair I never could run long distances anyway, not even as a lithe child that played outside a lot. I think I'm going to have to start lower than the running programs recommended 1 min running/2 min walking/rinse and repeat to 30 seconds running/15 min walking until that ends up a little more proportional. OF COURSE its raining today, so I won't be venturing outside til I have to go to work. (At least its not snowing, I can be thankful for that.)
God, I wish I was a runner. At least I can walk. Exercise is exercise.
I saw Alice in Wonderland on Saturday. Great movie, great thinspo! The girl who played Alice is great for that role, she looks young and beautiful, and skinny! She has gorgeous skin, thin arms, and beautiful collarbones. In one scene she is at a party and is confronted by two beautiful brunette girls, who are both skinny and fabulous with pretty collarbones. Watch for it. Oh, and Johnny Depp was wonderful, as always. I loved it.
Right now I am going to make a pot of coffee (coffee and tea are my ana crutches), eat breakfast (multigrain cheerios+skim milk+blueberries) and work on my knitting. I'm working on a lovely multicolor cotton farmers market/reusable shopping bag type thing. Its a free pattern and its super easy. I'm already half done. Maybe I'll post a picture of it later, I'm proud of it. I'll probably make a ton more for all the ladies in my life. (All 5 of them.)(I make friends easier with males. I have a dude's sense of humor, I guess.)
love, support, and tons of STRENGTH to all you lovelies. Lets get our strength back!!
peace
Emily
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- Emily
- I'm a lifetime student of the School of Self-Loathing. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and I want to control something I know I can. I want to be thin. I want to use starving as self destruction and thinness as a means of getting what I want. This is my Ana blog...my Analog. Email me at: negativespaceblog@gmail.com
4 comments:
It's nice to take a step back sometimes, and realize that your body has changed. We all have such an objective eye for ourselves that often we fail to see the progress, or doubt that any was made at all. So good for you, seeing the difference in that picture! I hope it made you happy :)
The running will get better, keep working at it! xo
don't worry! we all lose our resolve every now and then! You can pick right back up where you started! And working out means you can get away with eating 1000 calories, because you're burning so much more- keep it up (it'll help me stick to my horrible jillian michaels thirty day shred uuuugh)
I found myself in a rut very similar to this recently. Just broke out of it two days ago. I'm currently just riding this wave for as long as it'll hold me, not looking back and trying not to look too far forward yet, either. I literally gained back 8 lbs from my all-time low. HORRIBLE. For a while, I let the failure overcome me; it felt like I could never regain control, it would be like starting all over, blah blah blah. That feeling...that conviction that I couldn't do it...it was so strong, so real. Then one afternoon I realized that I CAN do it, and it's completely up to me, absolutely NO ONE is going to make me skinny FOR me... JUST me. A little YouTube thinspo helped, too. ;)
Just keep on keepin' on, doing the very best you can do, until that inspiration and motivation comes back to you. And it will. Soon. <3
I am a runner. Went from doing couch to 5k program to doing half marathons.
Luckily getting your lungs in shape is fast. Muscle training takes more discipline
Check out this site:
Cool Running
Best of luck.
xoxo zen
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