Explanation

Okay. I know how this goes.

I had a loooong talk with him. After crying in the shower, walking out on him, and screaming at him on the phone for 45 minutes. And then yelling at him for over an hour in person. I called him every name and every expletive I could think of. I called him a coward, a bastard, a stupid fuck. I told him I am not giving his ring back til he hears every word I have to say to him. I am not a confrontational person. If someone pisses me off, I internalize and walk away and sulk. But this made me so angry I knew I had nothing to lose, if at worst 219 lbs of "extra weight".

This is it. I know this should make or break it but he's never gotten like that before. This is his chance to make it up to me. He knows he's on borrowed time and if he EVER threatens me or my property or hurts me EVER again, if he EVER lets his anger get that out of control again, he is out so quick it would make his head spin, 3 years of dating or not. I've forgiven him for occasional hurtful words in arguments because I'm guilty of the same, but this makes me too mad. I can get mad and confrontational about this because it hurts me. And I'm so mad where I could leave him in the dust and not look back.

And I know him enough to know he means it when he says he's sorry, and he bawled like a baby.
I made sure he heard every hurtful word I had to say. I had a lot to say.

I know I shouldn't give him a second chance but....

He knows its his last. And there were flowers on the table when I got home. And I'm giving him the cold shoulder and being distant. Because I may forgive him over time, but I won't forget. And I'm still angry. And I'm not willing to forgive a second time.

And I still hurt. Physically I'm sore.

Fucker would miss me if I were gone. I'm the best thing thats ever happened to him. I don't have a very high opinion of myself, but I know enough of his past to know I'm the first love he's ever had, and he would be mighty lonely and mighty sorry to watch me walk out that door.

Would he fight for me? Would he ask me to come back? Or would he watch me leave?
I don't know. I have a headache. I don't want to think about it anymore.


I want to think about food.
I want to think about redeeming myself for the methodic thoroughly planned binge I ate yesterday as a result of what went down.
I will throw away the rest of the chips when I get into my car. The almonds I'm keeping because, well, they're almonds. The chocolate I'll finish, I only left myself 1 square anyway.
I knew it was all wrong, but I ate it anyway. I didn't much care about anything yesterday.
At least the Milano cookies are gone. I made sure of that yesterday.
I feel so fucking fat. Liquid fast today until Sunday. All next week if I can manage.
The rest of my life if I could.

I'm going to go knit now. It calms my nerves. But not after reading all your blogs and commenting.


Thank you sooo much for the support, everyone. It means the world to me when I can't even cry on the shoulder of my beloved because he's the one who made me cry, that I can come here. I wrote that only a few minutes after it happened, when I couldn't even start crying yet because I couldn't grasp what happened. Its nice to know I'm ALWAYS loved somewhere, in this corner of the world.
It means more to me than you'll ever know. Eternal gratitude to all. <3333

peace.

Emily