Frustrating

I'm frustrated because my grandma on my dad's side is going downhill fast. She had a stroke around 5 years ago and has slowly gotten progressively worse. I'm dealing with the feelings of guilt when someone's dying, like why haven't I visited her more? Why haven't I been a better granddaughter?

Why?

Because I haven't had a full weekend in so long I can't remember what its like. The only weekends I've had off were because of holidays. Sundays are barely sacred anymore. They are literally asking us to work 7 day weeks at work! Realistically I know that if I had all the free time in the world I probably wouldn't visit that much anyway, because she lives two hours away and what else can you do other than sit next to her bed in the nursing home and let her hold your hand and smile at you? But I still like to have a scapegoat and blame it on work, because right now it makes sense to blame everything on work. And you still have to wonder "What more can I do while she's still here? Can I put it off til next week? Should I sacrifice my dads birthday weekend just to alleviate what guilt I may feel if it were to happen this week?"

I wanted this Sunday (that I had to FIGHT to have off) to be about my parents coming up to visit me, and I'd take them out to a new restaurant for my dads birthday. Now, since my grandma isn't doing well, I might have to go THERE and visit my grandma, and THEN go out to eat. Because it may be the last time I see her, and I'll never get a weekend off again. What I planned on being a nice weekend (or should I say "day") is quickly going sour. The mood will be so sad, so....I don't know.


I was feeling bad about it and was planning to binge and go eat a gyro sandwich but then I took my measurements to have a baseline for our "diet" and totally got turned off to food by them. Thats all the motivation I needed to not have to eat much today. Ladies, you need a little something extra to turn you away from your binge? Measure yourself. Worked like a charm for me! Ugh.

I'm just so sick of everything....

I want to sleep for two years and wake up when the world gets better. When the job market is looking up and I can apply for a job that I actually have a life outside of.

Or maybe just sleep forever.


I hope that I look like that someday. If I were thin I could have anything I wanted.

Emily