Rant. You don't have to read this one.

Note: I got started writing something and couldn't stop. It just poured out. You don't really have to read this one...its not even ana related.

The fiance is taking a nap. What a rip-roarin' non stop fun weekend.

Actually last night was pretty fun, binge aside. I gave in and took a hit and one was enough to get me stoned. We went to Walmart and bought Scrubs season 8 cause we love that show so very much and supposedly its the last season. So we ate crappy food and drank white russians and watched the whole season. It was fun, but lately he's been annoying me. So instead of being happy that we finally have three days of time to spend together, I'm bummed that I can't spend them alone. I feel so bad. I should be excited to spend time with my would-be husband, and here I am, resenting him for not being at work. Its not because I'd rather be fasting, alone, because if I really wanted to I could just not eat anything and he probably wouldn't really care. Plus, he's overweight, and self-conscious, and actually put himself on a diet of 500 cals a day for 9 months while he was living in California. To, you know, live the skinny California dream. Then he moved back to the midwest and gained his weight back. So if I really wanted to, I could probably get him on the ana-bandwagon with me. I'm not ready for that yet though.

I think its the dichotomy he's created for himself that keeps me unsure of where I lie in his future plans and desires. His temper and sometimes scathing anger that leaves me feeling so bad about myself I only wish my heart would stop beating at that moment to prevent any more pain I'm causing. The sometimes immature affection that makes me feel like a cute puppy more than an adult female. The gropey teenage boy-ness that strips 10 years off him and makes me feel like he's leading me to the backseat to make out, not our bedroom to make love.

I think its the temper that gets me the most. He is the type of person that when he gets angry he says some very not-nice things. And I say that lightly. I mean, I know its not fair to rag on someone when they don't have a chance to defend themselves, but I've brought it up before and there are no apologies, it seems as though he feels its warranted. I called you a bitch because I was frustrated about you not putting away the dishes and since I was legitimately frustrated the name calling was legitimate and warranted. The feelings and the name calling are equal in his head. He's usually mad at me about something or other. A mess here. A dish there. Granted, I can be a messy person sometimes. But so can he. And I have never told him I hope he fucking dies as a result of an argument I picked with him over something he didn't pick up. I'm a fucking cunt, a bitch, a whore, I've had death wished upon me, and he tries to break up with me every time we fight. I've always told myself one of these times I'm just going to let him dump me.

But then when things are happy again, he loves me. I'm cute. I'm adorable. I'm fun. Other times I'm not so fun. I don't know. I feel like he's disenchanted with me. He was totally head over heels for me when he first met me. He fought hard to be my boyfriend. I loved him too. And now sometimes he doesn't want me? He insults me? We moved in together and he found out I'm not everything he imagined, or what? I don't make a lot of money, and neither does he. He has a lot of debt from going to college, and I have my own debts to pay off, so we can't really help each other out monetarily. I feel useless to him. If I can't offer money to pay off his debt, and if I can't keep a good house like a good little wife, and if I don't make him dinner cause I don't have time and I wouldn't eat anyways, if I'm not fun cause I just don't know what there is to do around here except drink, and we've been together for two years and I've ran out of ideas, what am I good for? I'm arm candy. He thinks I'm beautiful and I make him look good at parties. Thats all I can imagine he wants from me.

If I was skinny, I could make him look even better.

Sometimes I don't know what to do when he's screaming at me. Usually it starts with him getting mad at me about something. When I sense the situation getting out of control or him getting madder, I clam up. I don't know what to say. I murmur, I stutter. Whatever I say its never what he wants to hear. All I want to say is something to make him happy. To make it right again. Then he starts the name calling. Then I want to cry because I truly am useless. When I start crying he yells at me to stop crying, what am I crying about. Nevermind you want to break up with me and just called me a fucking stupid cunt. Nothing to cry over. He's waiting for me to say the magic word to make it all better and I don't know what that is. All I want to do is slice my arm to shreds. I can't do that, he'll see it. I want to drink myself to a stupor. Too many calories. Takes too long. Makes me feel shitty. Can't smoke, I'm maybe getting a new job someday never. Need to be clean for a interview I'll never have. I want to drive it off. I want to turn my music up loud and speed down the highway and grip the steering wheel with a white-knuckled angry grip. I want to do something self destructive. I want to hurt the body to kill the mind. I don't want to be the one to make him upset anymore.

I am so sorry to rant about my relationship on my ana blog. This will be about ana more often than not usually, I promise. I'm just sick of my mind being plagued of thoughts like these. And its not always this bad, and its not even this bad right now. I just got started on a rant and couldn't stop. And I go though so much effort to make everyone think I'm happy because I can't let them know otherwise, and I just don't know why. I can't talk bad about other people, even those who have wronged me. I welcome the anonymity of a blog. This is the first I've told anyone other than my personal journal whats happening. And I thought it would give some insight into my reason for embracing ana, because everyone has their own reasons.

I want to make him look good with a skinny stick on his arm.
I want to be skinny and self-sufficient, if needs be.
I want to hurt myself slowly.


"We take greater pains in persuading others that we are happy, than in endeavoring to think so ourselves."

He's awake.


Peace,
Emily