Anger

Do you ever have those days where you're just plain angry for no reason? Its an ordinary day, no reason to be pissed off more than any other day, but you're just angry at yourself, everyone, and everything all day?

Maybe its PMS, but I've been so angry lately. Yesterday and today especially. It doesn't help that I hate my job so much it makes me want to kill myself but because of crappy job selection and no direction in my life I'm stuck there, taking overtime and tons of bullshit up the ass like the good little workpuppy I am. I can go in at 2 in the best "Walkin' on Sunshine" mood ever and walk out at 10 wanting to slash my wrists after hanging myself from a sequoia. We don't even have sequoias here. Thats how much I hate it. Feeling stuck or feeling helpless are the worst feelings in the world to me, and right now I'm stuck and helpless.

I can't cope. I can't do this "life" thing. I can't be an adult. No one taught me this. I can't take care of myself. I have no direction, and no life. As it goes in "Its a Wonderful Life", I'm better off dead.

So, Debbie Downer, lets talk about not eating now.

I'm hanging out at about 157 lbs right now. Under 160, thats good. But a few days ago, before this weekend of unknown calorie intake, I actually hit 153. 153!! I want to be there again. But it will take me a few days of slightly higher calories to get my stomach used to 100-300 calories a day again. I stretched my stomach a little. Yesterday I was in such a crappy mood I binged and ate a whole can of Spaghettios. Not a regular sized can either, one of the tall ones. Ew. Today is a little better, I ate stuff I know the exact calorie quantity of, and I've had about 800 calories. Still higher than I'd like, but its below 1000 and thats the goal no matter what. 2000 is calling it even. 1000 is lower, and still weight loss. Anything below 1000 can only get better. Maybe I can pull a reverse 2-4-6-8 and start out at 8 today, 6 tomorrow, 4 Thursday, and 2 Friday, and get right back in the swing of things. Thats my goal this week.

I hated this weekend. I mean, it was fun to be with my cousin and meet her friends and drink and party, but it only served to remind me what a ugly fat worthless pig I am. She and her friends are a few years older than me, so they're out of college with degrees and nice paying jobs and Coach purses. I am a college dropout with a dead end job and a nothing life. Her friends are the preppy people that would have probably made fun of me if I went to high school with them or wasn't related to the bride. I mean, they were nice to me and included me, but since they all went to high school together they spent the WHOLE weekend gossiping about people they went to high school with, whos married, whos pregnant, what the ugly and fat girls from days gone by are up to nowadays. I mean, they were so catty and judgmental that I couldn't imagine what they possibly could have thought of me or said about me when I left. Sometimes I don't even know what my cousin honestly thinks about me, since she treats the rest of the family like the plague. I mean I know she likes me, but is she secretly embarrassed of me? If I invited her to my wedding someday, would she make fun of Josh's family and the fact that they're all rednecks and some of my future in-laws have *gasp* MULLETS? I'm so self-conscious and was the entire weekend that I had terribly low self-esteem and assumed everything I said and did was stupid and that I looked ugly and FAT and they were just going to make fun of me when I was away.

It doesn't help that I got REALLY (borderline blackout) drunk and probably made a stumbling fool of myself. Great first impression there, moron. And, as usual, I didn't try to get that drunk. We ate a lot at the restaurant (tons of carbs - lots of pasta - FATFATFAT) so it was taking a lot of effort to even get a buzz. Finally I had a nice buzz going. I got one more drink and BAM it all hits me at once and I'm stumbling and dancing and dizzy. I have so much bad shit going on that it felt good to be out of reality for a while and when I'm in that state of mind I usually overdo it. If I'm drinking I get hammered. If I'm smoking pot I get really, really ripped. I just wanted to fit in and I think I got drunker than any of the other girls. It was my turn to buy a round by the time we got to the third bar and I was more than ready to to prove I was part of the gang, but by the time we got there everyone kinda split up into little groups and thats where I got plastered so I never did get to buy the round and I can't help but wonder if they noticed or if they were too distracted. I feel like a dirty bum who didn't contribute and had 6 or 7 drinks (or more! I can't remember) and only paid for 2 or 3. I wonder if they think I'm some sort of fat, deadbeat, ugly black sheep cheapskate nothing.

I've been in such a low self-esteem slump since then.
After that on my way home I stopped to visit my grandma cause she doesn't see me much and I got to walk around the land I did when I was a kid, catch a garter snake, eat a fresh-picked apple, peek in the barn, eat lunch with her, everything that reminded me of being a kid when life was more simple and grandpa was still alive and the family was whole and Christmas was still something to look forward to. So in addition to feeling like shit from the weekend, I then felt nostalgic for my childhood and wistful for things I never did as a kid. And then I come back to the job I hate and the apartment thats messy that I don't have time to clean with everything else piled on top of my mind.

I'm a mess.



Emily