Its my fiance's "week on" starting today. He works Wednesday-Tuesday 2-11, and then is off the following Wednesday-Tuesday. He just left to go to work and will be working for the next week. That means I can start working on my thinspo project. I have a binder, some thick paper, a three hole punch and a Victoria's Secret catalog. I'm going to cut and paste all the skinny minnies out of it and make pages for my binder of thinspo collages. I also have a Cosmo in my car for this purpose (after I read it, of course). I can't do this while he's here because A) He'll know I've been obsessing about my weight again or B) think I've become a lesbian. It will be really inspiring when I'm fighting a binge to flip through pages and pages of beautiful skinny women and remind myself why I'm doing it. I'll also include some thinspiring quotes and such to read while I'm flipping through. Sometimes when you do a thinspo search online you keep finding the same crap over and over. I want to make something new. It will keep me busy and give me a project, and will be thinspiring in the process.
Speaking of projects, I can tell fall is rolling around again because I'm getting in the mood to knit. I like knitting but I don't really like doing it during summer because warm weather in the midwest is short and sweet (ESPECIALLY this year....it barely got above 90 just once this whole summer! WTF Mother Nature??!) and time is better spent outside. I start knitting in fall and knit through winter and a little bit into spring. As soon as I get the hankering to start knitting again, I know the end of the year is approaching. Right now, thats a depressing thought. Where has this year gone? How, other than getting one year older, have I changed AT ALL this year? What have I done this year to better my life in the long term? De-press-ing.
Hey, heres a fun thought. I know theres a ten commandments of ana or something like that floating around, but that isn't very personal to me. I wanted to come up with "Ten Reasons Why I Do This" kind of thing. I guess you could say its my own personal ten commandments-type list; something that reminds me why I do this when I fall away from the goal. Something I can read to keep me motivated and keep my eye on the prize:
No not those hipbones, these:
So, without further ado, Here it is.
Emily's Top Ten Motivators
1.) No more belly fat or hip fat. No more protruding belly or muffin top. Just lovely hipbones and flat tummy.
2.) No more elephant-sized ass and thighs. No more jiggling, no more cellulite. No more thighs touching when I stand. I'll have a nice tight ass and skinny legs.
3.) Smaller t-shirts, smaller pants. No more searching through the cow-sizes for larges and size 11-13 pants. Maybe my boobs will shrink a little and I can buy nice bras again!
4.) Clothes will be fun to shop for again. Good bye Walmart, hello Victorias Secret, Forever 21, and other stores I can't shop at cuz I'm too fat for the merchandise. Viva variety!
5.) Grandma: "You look more like your dad now that your face filled out" (got fat)
I'll have a slimmer, more feminine face, a less obvious square man-jaw padded with fat, no more turkey neck double chin. I'll look young!
6.) When a bigger guy has a fat girlfriend, nobody's surprised. It seems like an obvious match. When a bigger guy has a skinny girlfriend, people are impressed. "Wow." I want to look like a real catch that he'd never want to break up with. People would be impressed with him. It'd boost his self esteem.
7.) Less money spent on food (save it for fun things, like the clothes I'll someday be able to fit into!) and less time doing dishes, because the only dishes laying out will be his. Ha! Can't complain about messes if I'm not making 'em!
8.) People like me for my sense of humor, sarcasm, and cynicism (thats the only reason TO like me). Now I'll be the hot skinny girl with a sense of humor and sarcasm. Guys will love me, girls will envy me. I've never had any reason for anyone to be envious of me.
9.) I want to be a pure, lean, efficient human machine. Pure muscles tied to beautiful bones covered in smooth tight skin not riddled with stretch marks, fat deposits, or dimply cellulite. Just pure, beautiful, simple female.
10.) Its self-destruction with a purpose. I can't cut, people see that and Josh yells at me when he finds cuts. Drinking has too many calories and takes too long to feel. Can't smoke pot cause I'm trying to stay clean while job hunting in case of a piss test. What do I do when I'm hurting and hating my life? Self-destruct and wither away and be skinny doing it.
And nobody knows it but me.
So there it is, people. Tell me what you think. Its really motivating to have your personal reasons spelled out right in front of you so you can whip them out when you're feeling weak. I suggest you try it, see what you come up with.
As of right now I'm on a 2 day fast. Not eating til Saturday afternoon. This Saturday is my cousin's bridal shower/bachelorette party. I'm going to the Big City to drink and bar-hop, and we know what kind of calories sneak up on you while doing that. Plus I have never drank with her before, and I'll be the youngest one with her and her group of friends by at least 2 years, so I'm a little nervous. I don't even know what I'm going to wear and I hope to god I don't make an ass of myself when I get tipsy. I've looked up to her my whole life and now I have to hang out with her and some of her best girlfriends. I don't know how to act! I'm stressing about it. Plus I don't want to look totally fat. I normally don't dress up to go to the bar like most chicks do, but this weekend I am. I don't know how much to dress up or what to wear or how NOT to look like a fool.
Hopefully I can drop a few pounds with this fast and not eat til I get to her shower. I may look like a total doofus this weekend dancing and getting drunk with my older cousin and her friends but maybe I can look a little smaller in the process. Wishful thinking?
Her wedding is in October, on the third. I wonder how much weight I can lose before then....
I don't know what I'm wearing to that either. Somehow everything I own doesn't seem good enough.
Today I've only had about 350 calories. Pretty darn good, I must say. I think the next two days will just be liquid calories, like juice and such. Not too many. I'm not ready to do 0 calories-nofood-cold turkey yet...too harsh :)
Wow...this is long. I'm sorry if I write too much, guys :(
Peace,
Emily
2 comments:
I cant do the cold turkey, no food.
I can do 300-400 calories every single day, but nope, I can't handle the 0 calories. I don't have THAT much strength!
hahaa i LOVED this post!
its really inspiring to see you're ten reasons- maybe ill post mine too!
keep up the skinny!
EMPTINESS IS STRENGTH
xoxo
-Strength
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